Family Law, Divorce, Custody and Child Support Attorneys in Colorado Springs, Colorado

Stage 1 – Denial

You tell yourself that it isn’t happening. You tell yourself that your spouse will come back to you. With a divorce, you think that he / she is just going through a phase or mid-life crisis and will come to their senses. You think that you cannot accept that it is ending, and you refuse to see the obvious signs that it is over for the other person. You think that you can talk or cajole them out of leaving. Sometimes, the main denial was in believing that the marriage a good one in the first place when it really wasn’t, and that’s why so many people have a hard time accepting divorce. Sometimes comfort in misery seems better than facing the unknown of a divorce.

With a death, you just don’t accept it as final. When they are dying, you believe they will get well. You refuse to use the term, “died” or “dead”. You say that they have “passed on” or that they have “gone”. You don’t go to the grave site to view proof of the death. In general, your mind refuses to accept what is happening.

(No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

Stage 2 – Anger

In a divorce, the frustrations that have existed in the marriage begin to come out. You become angry at the way you were treated, about the settlement offers, about your life that has suddenly changed about the way your spouse lied and deceived you, at the future you expected that will never be. With a death, you become angry at fate, at God, at the doctors, at yourself for not doing enough.

If anger is turned inward (not felt or expressed), one becomes depressed. Anger should be gotten in touch with, expressed properly and dealt with. It is important not to be destructive in your anger, but it is equally important to express your anger.

Expressing anger is a sign that you are beginning to deal with your loss. If anger isn’t expressed, it will make you bitter and hamper your recovery. It is important not to bury your anger, and it is important to express all of your anger before you try to forgive that person. Warning – Anger must be expressed appropriately, not recklessly.

Most importantly – do not take your anger out on anyone in an unhealthy manner. Many times immense anger is the cause of a divorce. Expressing your anger over the divorce (or a death) in the wrong way will only do harm to yourself and create an unmanageable relationship with others. It is extremely important to learn to release your anger in healthy ways.

Ways of expressing anger properly can be learned in anger management classes and in therapy if you have an anger issue. If you are angry with a person for leaving you, you can learn to express your feelings with the proper dialogue methods, you can do a lot of journalizing to express your anger, you can go out in the middle of the woods, roll the windows up on your car so nobody can hear you and and scream, cuss,yell and get the anger out until you have no more energy to do so (be sure you don’t have a bad heart or area risk for a stroke before you do this), or you can take a baseball bat or a tennis racket and beat a pillow all to pieces.

Express your anger in such a way that you do not harm yourself or anyone else, and in such a way that you do not totally alienate anyone with your actions. You can also write letters to the other person and express the anger in any way you wish, but you should not give the letter to the other person. It is merely a way to release your anger.

(No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

Stage 3 – Bargaining

With death, the bargaining comes before the death. You promise anything if God will just let them live.

With divorce, you promise the person you will change; you will do anything they want if he or she won’t leave. You make elaborate plans for what you both can do to make it better. You make those plans when the person who wants to leave doesn’t want to get back together. You grovel, you cry, you beg, you insist there aren’t any problems, you don’t accept their reasons for wanting to leave as valid.

Sometimes people compromise their values and beliefs to try to keep a person from leaving. Sometimes a couple will get back together and try again when one spouse is so insistent that they try again, but the other is just going through the motions to try to make it easier on the one being left.

Very few marriages make it after it has gotten this far because the real issues of the discontent aren’t dealt with, unresolved problems are not solved, unhealthy patterns have become ingrained, and usually one person is very unhappy with the marriage.

Reaching the bargaining stage shows that you have begun to face the fact that the relationship is ending. You are past the denial stage. This is a necessary stage, and it helps you to look at what caused the problems in the first place.

(No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

Stage 4 – Depression

It comes during the anger stage, and the bargaining stage, and in the letting go stage. It can come at any stage, actually. It is characterized by many of the symptoms listed in the Symptoms of Grief. Depression is normal. It may last longer in some people than in others.

Emotionally healthy people won’t be depressed as long as emotionally unhealthy people or people who came from dysfunctional homes who haven’t dealt with childhood issues. It is perfectly okay to seek help from a physician and take antidepressants for a time until you are better able to handle your grief. If you feel that your depression is lasting too long, you may benefit from the help of a therapist.

Never be ashamed of taking medication or seeking professional help when you are grieving. Never be ashamed at seeking professional help. When you no longer need the antidepressants, you will know and end your treatment under your doctor’s guidance.

During the depression phase, you will cry a lot. Crying is normal, and tears are healing. Let yourself cry when you feel like it. If you cry constantly, everywhere, and it goes on for months and months, you probably need to seek medical help. Antidepressants will help you deal with severe grief.

(No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

Stage 5 – Acceptance

When you have worked through all of the other stages, you will come to acceptance. You accept that everything happens for a reason. You may not see why yet, but you accept that it happened. You will see that you were married to this person for a time for a reason, but that it is now over. You will realize that it is final, and you are ready to get on with your life. In a divorce, you will come to realize that everything happened for the best, and that your life does have meaning. You will begin to feel free from the pain and the hurt. You will be finished with your grieving. You are ready to move on to a new life and let the other life remain in the past. You will be able to remember the good as well as the bad.

With a death, you accept it as what was meant to be – it was their time in the whole scheme of things. You accept death as an inevitable part of life. You will always love and miss that person, but you realize that you are alive, and you have to go on living and make a new life for yourself without that person.

With a divorce, you realize that they just aren’t coming back – the marriage is definitely over. You stop trying to bargain, cajole, and beg; you accept the inevitable, which is that you are going to have to get on with your life and make the best of it. Usually, if you do your grief work and work on yourself, you will end up with a better life than the one you had when you were married to the person you lost. Remember: Divorce never happens in a good marriage. Even if you thought it was good, the person who left you isn’t the person you needed to be with or they wouldn’t have left you and caused you so much pain.

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

 Loading ...